I'm Allergic To Diets

Nutritionists will tell you that the best way to kick-start a diet is to write down everything you eat.  The mantra – calories in, calories out.  But what if I consume 1100 calories of junk?  Can I lose weight eating 6 cashews, 2 jello puddings, a red jelly bean and a purple jelly bean, Special K bars, and a few pathetic excuses for meals?  Whenever I write down what I eat, I hear myself repeating Cher’s words …

“I feel like such a heifer. I had two bowls of Special K, 3 pieces of turkey bacon, a handful of popcorn, 5 peanut butter M&M’s and like 3 pieces of licorice.” Cher, Clueless

I eat like a bird, and not in that posh skinny way that thin people repeat, “Oh, I’m rarely hungry.”  I’m always hungry.  Stress, break-ups, and viral pandemics don’t get me down – still hungry.  But I snack.  I can eat anything in quarter-cup portions.  Is that weird?

Why are some people so committed when they go on diets?  Do they have a diet gene that I am lacking?  My diets last on average three days – on the first day I complain but mostly stick to plan, on day two I cheat once (twice), and on day three I eat a cup of applesauce, trail mix, two string cheese sticks, and a half box of Honey Bunches of Oats.  Maybe because I was always “commitment girl,” I used up all of my commitment quotient on boys … no room for kale and quinoa.  That solves it.  I think I’ll reward myself with one and a half twizzlers (I subtracted a half because I’m committing.)

{image a la vodka in teacups}



  1. I can’t diet either. I can do moderation, but when it comes to cutting entire groups (sugars, white flour, carbs, etc) out of my routine, I can’t do it! I’ve also never been good at writing down everything I eat. When you’re a snack-er it just looks sad in a journal: 1.5 Twizzlers, spoonful of peanut butter, 2 crackers, etc!

  2. Caitlin

    I don’t know, I think diets are REALLY hard as well. I do so much better in the healthy eating approach. I find that the best way for me to “diet” is to eat healthy all week (not crazy healthy but good enough) and then eat literally anything I want on Sundays, it works for me. 🙂

    • This is genius. A Sunday eat-a-thon? I’m in!

  3. I completely understand! The MOMENT I decide to go on a Diet, my body goes into STARVATION mode! It thinks I will never feed it again so instantly I want to eat EVERYTHING! I just try to eat healthy for the most part. I think: “If I dont eat as much for dinner, I can have that second glass of wine….” etc.

    • omg, I just laughed out loud. I feel exactly the same way. The word “diet” alone puts me into a panic.

  4. Tierney

    So, here’s what helps me–if you wanttt it.

    Eat small meals, but eat often. Always carry protein bars or shakes with you, because when you get the pangs, chomp it down and your diet isn’t screwed. I also always keep those little steam-bags of veggies in my freezer (Jolly Green Giant!) that you can pop in the microwave and eat when you’re hungry.

    I also notice that after the first few days of not eating sugar, you start to lose your cravings. (Granted, those few days KILL you, but once it’s out of your system, your body is so happy.)

    I also have a friend weigh me every week so I’m accountable to someone. I just picture their disapproval at being up a pound, and it’s enough to put down the cookies.

    • oooh, I love the veggie bag idea. And I dread the scale – having a friend bully you onto the scale is dang smart!

  5. April

    Diets are awful. I think I’ve been on a diet since I was 14. It goes something like this: diet like crazy for a month or two, binge for a month or two, repeat. It’s stupid. I think we’re essentially telling ourselves that our bodies aren’t good enough and that we need to diet to make them better. Now I’m trying to just eat foods that are beautiful. I feel happier.

Leave a Comment